Release The Hostages!

Your demands will be met.  But first...

Your demands will be met. But first…

Yesterday was a dietary hostage day. A lot of bargaining was going on in my brain. There were no less than three times when I was prepared to send in the SWAT team, guns a- blazing.

Are you on a diet? Thought so, me too. I never liked the term “diet”. Of course you’re on a diet, EVERYONE is on a diet. If you weren’t we’d have to plant you. OK, try this…

Are you on a managed diet? Yeah, thought so, me too. So gather ’round children and cradle your hot chocolate (made with almond milk) whilst I tell you a tale as old as the hills…

Mindful eating is tricky business. I find myself not so much falling down the rabbit hole at this point, more like clawing my way cautiously down. I’m told it’s necessary if I want to be a non-fat, healthy person – but the pitfalls are everywhere. However, I’ve discovered something that is frightening yet empowering; most of the problems are in my head.

Here’s what I know – there will be times I’m going to be hungry and I will simply have to deal with it. That is when the call comes in.

“This is Tom, I’m listening”. “OK, I’M NOT SCREWING AROUND HERE, CUT THAT CAKE AND DROP A SCOOP OF ICE CREAM ON IT OR SOMEONE DIES!!”

“OK, stay calm, we can get that for you, it’s going to take some time to put together. We need to know that everyone is alright – May I speak to the manager? His name is Ego.”

“Hu- Hello?”

“Ego? It’s me. We’re all out here, ready to help. Are you OK?”

(whispering) – “Listen- do NOT negotiate with this guy. He’s going to get what he wants and kill us anyway, I can see it in his eyes. Do NOT negotiate! – NO!” (scuffling)

“WHERE’S THAT CAKE???”

“We’re still putting that together. You’re going to get what you want, we just need to go to the gym first and run on the treadmill for twenty minutes. Can we count on you to hold it together for twenty minutes?”

Keep in mind that all of this happens inside my brain within the span of sixty seconds. Sound familiar? I sure hope so. If not I just might have to stop at a bakery. I’m not kidding around here, I have a gift card and I know how to use it. ~TH~

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